This fight will be vicious, involving plenty of sharp blades, boiling liquids, scorching hotplates, slippery surfaces, harsh language and hurled kitchen assistants. When police arrive at the ruined kitchen, they will find two chefs throttling each other. The chefs will be put in neighbouring jail cells where they will continue insulting each other for many hours. After the court case, they will both lose their TV contracts. Their restaurants will go bust. They will lose their houses. Their partners will leave them. They will become homeless in different cities. They will die of drug overdoses. Both will lose the fight. All this is (c) Debbie Downer, SNL.