Preface: This series pretty much wrote itself, the way that the cartoon characters and the real ones (which is which again?) matched up. Though it's from a certain ideological angle—found to a degree in the original cartoons themselves—it does take on politicians from both US political parties, and each part in the series is somewhat balanced out by the next. I hope that G1 fans of all stripes enjoy it, especially those who followed US national and international news in the 2000s.
Republicons - Sorcerers of Mass Destruction
POLITIFORMERS: Robots our demise!
( Part I - II - III - IV - V - VI )
Little did you know that many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.
Here in Part I be the Republicons who led the charge into war with Planet Iraq. Well, the purely rhetorical part of the charge, that is. Know them well:
REPUBLICONS
Decepticans, whatever—you don't even really have to change the name.
Shockrove
Karl Rove
FUNCTION: WHITE HOUSE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF
“We're history's actors… and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”
With laser gun focus, he perpetually mans the controls and tries to keep the mighty Wurlitzer running. "The fools I have to work with," he grumbles, as he stares with that beady eye. Just don't watch his attempt at rap; you'll forever be scarred by his stiff-jointed performance, no joke. (Why did you watch that? I warned you!) When he's not turning puny worker robots into slag, apparently he collects stamps, or something.
Soundwell
Colin Powell
FUNCTION: SECRETARY OF STATE
”You break it, you own it.”
Loyal, versatile, and highly proficient, he always follows orders to a "T," especially when it comes to misinformation and cover-ups. Heck, he's a tape recorder, and one who learned well from Nixon's mistakes. He commands major respect from some Demobots despite the fact that he chooses to take orders from Republicon leaders. What the hey; when he transforms, conservation of mass seems not to apply to him either.
Kickfeld
Donald Rumsfeld
FUNCTION: SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
“I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty.”
"We must feed (must feed) the empire (the empire)! People are suffering as a consequence, you say? This whole thing might be worse than for naught, you contend? How do you know that? Besides, too bad, stuff happens (stuff happens)." Fancies himself some kind of philosophizing intellectual, but really he's just got bugs for brains.
Scourgie
Scott "Scottie"* McClellan
FUNCTION: WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
“The President's views have been very—have been made very clear. Go ahead.”
Trepidatious and cowardly, he only acts forcefully after he's sure he's safe. C'mon, Scourgie, give it up already, we all know your heart's not really in it! To be sure, that aspect does lend him a certain entertaining air, which makes him the *crowd favorite among the otherwise interchangeable Press Sweepretaries.
You think journalist Glenn Greenwald gets scoops? I'll show you some dang scoops. To be sure, that's to be taken literally—check these out:
Neoconstructicons
Neoconservative ideologues
FUNCTION: ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS
“I think, in this case, international law stood in the way of doing the right thing.”
Long-range planners, they keep trying to form ShockastatAwe and blatantly crush another unfortunate civilization, but they haven't quite gotten the band back together since 2003.
Thunderleezza
Condoleezza Rice
FUNCTION: NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, SECRETARY OF STATE
“We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.”
Everything is always like the Cold War with the planet Russia; it's what she knows best. Reserved unless provoked, she works behind the scenes. Pity the robot on the receiving end of her stare of death.
Wumble
George W. Bush
FUNCTION: PRESIDENT
“They hate our freedoms.”
Pipsqueak punk just likes to break stuff. Yeah, sure, he'll tell you that he's bringing about a "peeance, freeance secure planet Iraq." Gee, that's deep.
Megadick
Dick Cheney
FUNCTION: VICE PRESIDENT
“So?”
His ruthlessness and cunning, combined with his insatiable thirst for energy resources and the eagerness with which he employs destructive force, put him atop the Republicon dogpile. When you're all gun and no heart... Actually, scratch that, even implanting a live, beating heart didn't help. He is so powerful and feared that, when he personally blasted a fellow Republicon in the face, the associate apologized to him. Let's just hope he doesn't get reincarnated as Galvadick. (shudder)
This is the first in a five-part series exposing the long-held secrets of the Politiformers:Tune in BELOW for the next exciting episode of... the POLITIFORMERS!
- Republicons - Sorcerers of Mass Destruction
- Demobots - The Inauspicious Study of Discernible Reality
- Republicons - Pillage of the Doomed
- Demobots - The Best and the Shiniest
- The Rest of Us - Some Robots Are More Equal Than Others
- Epilogue - Beyond Good, Beyond Evil, Beyond His Vilest Imagination
(Theme song trumpet playout) Dah dah dah DAHHH, Dah dah DAH dah dahhh...
Obtain the author's permission before reproducing this article in large part or in full. All Transformers comparisons in this post refer to (and in turn parody!) the "Generation 1" cartoon and movie (1984-1987), in the style of "tech specs." Any crossover from that newfangled Michael Bay stuff is purely coincidental, I assure you. Imagery sourcing is fair use due to parody/commentary purpose, small size, and new composition. There is no affiliation with Hasbro or with the Democratic or Republican National Committees.